Time to talk to children about sexual abuse

Sexual abuse and violence towards children is a horrifying, incomprehensible crime that leaves the individuals affected, their friends and loved ones, and the entire community questioning why, how, and what needs to be done so that such abuse can be stopped.

When the abuser is someone who has been in a position of trust, such as a coach, grandparent, or baby-sitter, the feelings of helplessness, anger and betrayal can be even more acute.

As our community grapples with recent allegations of the sexual abuse of young people here in Douglas County, now is the time to talk to our children about sexual abuse.

National surveys have found that fewer than 30 percent of parents have specific conversations about sexual abuse with their children, and yet one in four girls and one in six boys will be victims of some form of sexual abuse before they reach the age of 18.

The first step in ending this kind of abuse is to initiate real conversations with our children and young people. Recognizing how difficult it is for many of us to talk to young people about sexual topics, especially having to discuss something as abhorrent as sexual abuse, Family Support Council would like to offer the following suggestions to help address this topic:

Learn - Sexual abuse of children is forcing, coercing, or persuading a child to engage in any type of sexual activity. This includes physical sexual contact, exhibitionism, exposure to pornography, voyeurism, and communicating in a sexual manner over the phone or through the internet/email/texts/tweets. Good touch/bad touch is a place to start talking with young children, but sexual abuse conversations also need to include these other types of abuse as well. Learn the facts about childhood sexual abuse so that you feel prepared to discuss these things with your children.

Ask - Rather than beginning with a lecture, ask your child to tell you what they already know about sexual abuse. Sometimes this can be more comfortable for parents as they are able to find out what their child already knows, and then expand the conversation from there.

Inform - Correct any misinformation your children may have about sexual abuse and who abuses. For example, if your child seems to believe that only strangers abuse children, you can let them know that nobody, even a family member, has the right to touch their body without their permission. Most abuse is perpetrated by someone known to the victim, such as a family member or trusted other adult.

Empower - Let your children know it is ok to say "No" to any adult who acts in a sexual way with them, then give them examples, including abuse through technology.

Believe - if during your conversations your child reveals sexual abuse, believe them. Keep your reaction calm, but tell them "I believe you and you were right to tell me." Children who reveal sexual abuse and are not believed are less likely to ever tell again, even if the abuse continues, and are more susceptible to psychological, physical, emotional and social problems that can last into and throughout adulthood.

Family Support Council is available as a resource to help. Family Support Council works to end family violence and sexual abuse in our community by providing assistance to victims as well as educating the community about how to prevent these crimes before they happen. If you are having difficulty talking to your child abuse sexual abuse, want more information about how to protect your child from sexual abuse or about childhood sexual abuse facts, or want to know how our community can better work to prevent sexual abuse, please call the agency 782-8692.

Family Support Council is also planning a discussion forum in which community members can learn more about childhood sexual abuse and how to end it in our community. If you are interested or would like to help, please contact me at the agency phone number or through e-mail at ktraver@family-support.org.

Kristie Traver is the director of the Family Support Council in Gardnerville.