It’s that time of year again — Christmas is the day after tomorrow so it’s time to start thinking about Christmas shopping again. I know there are oddballs out there who shop days, weeks, even months in advance, (they’re sick, they can’t help themselves), but I’ve always felt that Christmas shopping is only fun if there is an element of danger in it; a chance you might fail because you’ve waited too long. It’s a little game I play to make it fun.
I understand that this is the time of year when it’s appropriate to wax philosophical about the joy of giving, peace of earth and good will toward men and other warm and fuzzy stuff. Good people think of it as a time to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas ... on the other hand people like me see it as the one time it’s appropriate to publish a list of things I want other people to give me.
I know many of you have been stressing about what kind of gift to get me for Christmas and I want to set your minds at ease. It’s not necessary for to you buy me a gift at all! I appreciate homemade items, gift cards and cash as much as any well thought out gift. I’m really very easy to please!
I probably won’t get you a gift because I really suck at giving gifts, and I don’t want to get you something you don’t like, I know, I’m considerate like that. They say the real joy of Christmas is in giving so I’m will to receive gifts from the general public in order to spread the seasonal joy to as many people as possible. That’s just the kind of guy I am.
That said I think it’s only fair for me to provide you with a list of things I’d love to find under the tree this year just in case you still feel the need to get me an elaborate expensive personalized Christmas gift…and there is no shame in that. So here is a list of things I’d like for Christmas this year, provided as a public service, of course.
First, I’d really like to get a fully restored 1967 GTO convertible. I just returned from an extended stay in Italy and saw my share of Ferrari’s and even a few really hot Maserati sports coupes but there’s just no substitute for 400 cubic inches of American muscle under the hood of a car so cool that it’s make an old pirate like me look good. I know it seems like a lot to give but they say the more you give the better you feel…I’m all about making a total stranger very happy this year. It’s my holiday spirit!
Next I’d love one of the really sleek looking high-speed ski boats. I live in the desert miles from the nearest sizable body of water and I can’t water ski as good as that famous squirrel on YouTube but I think it would be really cool to have a boat like that. Just think how good this old pirate would look towing that cool boat behind my new GTO convertible. I need all the help looking cool that I can get.
Just in case Karma read this newspaper (I know it’s not likely but you never know), I’d really like every reader to donate a $100 worth of food to the local food bank. Oh what the hell ... make it $300, it is Christmas after all!
In these troubled times an average ‘Merican never knows when he might need to hold off a hoard of Jihadists or an overreaching tyrannical government so I’d appreciate an assault weapon or two with an ample supply of ammunition. As a firm believer in the Second Amendment I think every home should be defended by crew served weapons so any gifts along those lines would be greatly appreciated. No questions will be asked about their origins. Merry Christmas and pass the ammo.
I’m off to do buy awkwardly inappropriate gifts for my loved ones at the last minute ... it’s what they’ve come to expect from me and I wouldn’t want to disappoint them. Meanwhile I’ll clear a spot in the driveway for that GTO so that one of you can experience the maximum joy of giving this year!
Merry Christmas everyone!!
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.