Dear Osama, Merry (belated) Christmas! If you are wondering about your present, stick your head out of your tent and have a peek. That's a Predator drone carrying a Hellfire missile with your name on it ... .
Ha! Made you look. Don't worry, that Predator will be back tomorrow, and that Hellfire will be the last thing you see on this earth, and the first thing you see on the other side. You don't really believe that thing about the 72 virgins, do you? I notice you haven't volunteered for any suicide attacks.
Actually, I'm not writing to chat with your sorry, murderous self. You see, our president is in a bubble, and someone needs to reach him fast before he screws up even more of the world than he has already.
Now he's started eavesdropping on Americans, all in the name of protecting us from you, which seems to be the only information he's letting inside. So, I'm giving it a shot, to see if I can reach him.
You see, in this country we value things like freedom and individual liberty, not that you would understand what those are. But Bush has gone on a rampage of bizarre behavior, imprisoning people without charge, torturing suspected terrorists, spying on Americans without warrants, etc. It's the kind of stuff we would expect you to do if you ran a country.
His excuses just don't make sense. He says the United States does not use torture, but then pushes for exceptions in anti-torture legislation to exclude the CIA. He claims his illegal eavesdropping was necessary because the lawful way was too slow. Yet, the law allows for retroactive warrants, allowing the eavesdropping to go on for three full days without a warrant. Instead, he has the NSA trolling through who knows how many Americans' conversations, like we are the old Soviet Union or something. So much for the Constitution.
And I don't have to tell you about the mess he has made in Iraq. You are probably getting a big kick out of that, you sick SOB.
And our domestic policy isn't much better, either. Bush is pushing more tax breaks for his rich buddies, while cutting student loans and food stamps for the poor to help pay for about half the cost. The rest he is just tagging onto the war-bloated deficit. And he still claims to be a conservative. I ask you, are these the acts of a sane person?
Bush seems more interested in drilling for oil in a wildlife refuge than actually doing something to steer us away from dependence on your buddies in Saudi Arabia. For instance, we have more than enough coal lying around that can be converted to gasoline, cheaper than what we are paying now, to last a hundred years or so. We have ethanol, solar and geothermal energy sources we haven't even really done much with yet. But Bush? He's living like it's still 1972 - cheap gas, cheap beer, show up for Guard duty when you feel like it.
I don't know what else to do to get Bush out of his bubble. But if he does, and finds out you aren't in Iraq, don't be surprised if you get a visit from the 82nd Airborne.
Hope you have a crappy new year. May the fleas from a thousand camels take up residence in your beard.
-- Kirk Caraway is the Nevada Appeal's Internet editor. Write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org or post your comments online at nevadaappeal.com.