Thank goodness it's finally September.
I've been waiting for it to arrive, because it's "Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month."
It's not well publicized. Possibly because "Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month" is competing with:
- Baby Safety Month
It's hard to argue with something like "Baby Safety Month," except I have to wonder what we're supposed to do for the other 11 months. Do you think April, for example, is being considered for Hurl Your Baby From a Moving Car Month? I don't think so.
Also unclear to me is whether this is safety for babies, or safety from babies. They can be hazardous creatures, especially if they accidentally mistake your little finger for a boiled carrot.
- Children's Good Manners Month
Right. Good idea. Feel free to inform your children, who most likely will respond by sticking out their tongues.
- Hug a Texas Chef Month
I know several Texans, although none of them would qualify, I think, as a chef. I am also quite certain I am incapable of hugging any Texan for an entire month. People who observe "Hug a Texas Chef Month" will also, I hope, be following up in October with Take a Long Shower Month.
- Internet Safety Month
Somebody apparently has been taking the whole "surfing the 'Net" expression a bit too literally.
- National Little League Month
Happy birthday, Danny Almonte. Wait. His birthday is April 7 - we just don't know what year.
- National Piano Month
September, I imagine, would be a good month to take your piano out to lunch.
- National Chicken Month
This festive event is sponsored by the National Chicken Council in Washington, D.C., in conjunction with the U.S. Poultry and Egg Association.
You may not be aware that national per capita consumption of chickens is now 83 pounds a year. That works out to approximately 6,779 McNuggets each.
For some reason, the folks at PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, one of my favorite organizations - are taking a different view of National Chicken Month.
"You might think you know 'what' chickens are - feathered birds, 'sandwich filling,' or bodies wrapped tightly in plastic and Styrofoam at the meat counter - but maybe you've never thought about 'who' they are," says PETA.
PETA, I suspect, would like us to take a chicken out to lunch - if only to get to know it a little better.
- National Organic Harvest Month
I double-checked this one with the Organic Trade Association and discovered that Organic Harvest Month will, indeed, be celebrated by farmers and growers and other agricultural types who will be harvesting their beets and lettuce raised without chemicals.
I was afraid the month was instead intended for the medical field, who would be celebrating the harvest of livers and kidneys.
- Shameless Promotion Month
This is probably the best column I've ever written. Don't you think?
- Self Improvement Month
But I could probably write a better one if I'd just put my mind to it.
Some events evidently don't warrant a whole month - unlike "Hug a Texas Chef Month" - and so can be dealt with in shorter stretches.
I'm looking forward to:
- Biscuits and Gravy Week, Sept. 9-15
"What's for dinner, honey?"
"Biscuits and gravy."
"But we had biscuits and gravy for breakfast ... and for lunch. For the last four days."
"Don't blame me. It's Biscuits and Gravy Week. Now, give me a hug."
- National Grandparents Day, Sept. 9
Perhaps you could invite your grandparents over to the house for some biscuits and gravy.
- Sew Be It Day, Sept. 10
To this, I say: Sew what?
- National Boss/Employee Exchange Day, Sept. 10
On first glance, I was thinking the sponsors of this day were expecting me and my boss, Jeff Ackerman, to exchange jobs for the day.
But then I got to thinking that a far more useful purpose for the day would be if I were able to exchange Jeff Ackerman for somebody else's boss. I'm open to offers, but time is running out.
- Someday, Sept. 15
This has potential for getting tons of stuff done, the kinds of things on which I've been procrastinating. You know, those unpleasant tasks that you promise, "I'll get around to finishing that someday."
Well, Someday arrives Sept. 15. Unfortunately, that's a Saturday, and I'm planning to take the day off.
Barry Smith is managing editor of the Nevada Appeal.