Column: Possession of french fries with intent to snack

I predicted it would come to this. French fries are illegal.

Not everywhere, of course. But in the subway cars and stations of Washington, D.C., our nation's capital, possession and consumption of french fries is against the law.

And the cops arrested a 12-year-old girl to prove it.

The law covers not just french fries, but all kinds of snacking. Presumably, Mountain Dew is also against the law, and may carry a heavier penalty.

Perhaps Ansche Hedgepeth should have known all this, but the seventh-grader at Deal Junior High School was snacking on her french fries in the Tenleytown station of the Metro subway system in defiance of the law.

There she was, openly snacking. In broad daylight. On french fries.

Fortunately for the other law-abiding citizens of Washington, D.C., the Metro Transit Police were on the job. They'd had some complaints of illegal snacking, particularly in the Tenleytown station, and had beefed up patrols to be on the lookout for not only snacking, but also possession of french fries with intent to snack.

So when little Ansche came along, fries in hand, they nabbed her.

"He said, 'Put down your fries. Put down your book bag,'" Ansche recalled later for a Washington Post reporter. "They searched my book bag and searched me. They asked me if I have any drugs or alcohol."

No, she did not have drugs or alcohol. Just her schoolbooks. And french fries, of course.

So they put the cuffs on her. Took her to jail.

"We really do believe in zero tolerance," said Metro Transit Police Chief Barry J. McDevitt, when asked about it later by the newspaper.

Ordinarily, one would think that snacking in a no-snacking zone would not lead to arrest, handcuffs, and a ride down to the hoosegow for fingerprinting.

But in Washington, D.C., our nation's capital, the zero-tolerance town, they don't let juveniles go with just a ticket. The policy is to take into custody any juvenile accused of a criminal offense. And if they're taken into custody, they're handcuffed.

Young people, the police chief noted, "can kill you, too."

Sure enough, they can. Especially when armed with french fries.

And we know that french fries, by themselves, can kill you. Generally, though, it takes a very long time.

I know I feel a little bit safer today, knowing that somewhere in this nation there is zero tolerance for french-fry scofflaws. Because studies have shown that fried foods only lead to the harder stuff.

If we allow kids to eat french fries wherever they want, the next thing you know they'll be devouring onion rings on every street corner in America.

Where will it end?

People should be able to enjoy the parks of this country without fearing kids with pizza. And when was the last time you wandered down a dark alley at night, only to run into some teenage delinquent munching on a hot dog? Pretty scary stuff.

The next step in the Snack Wars will be to beef up America's borders. I think we're all aware of the flood of Doritos and tacos coming into this country nearly every day and tempting our children.

I understand there is a ballot initiative being proposed in California that would allow consumption of Ding Dongs and similar chocolate treats, but only for medicinal purposes.

The so-called "medical munchies" proposition would allow a few licensed clubs - called AM/PMs, or Circle Ks - to dispense such snacks to people who have a note from their doctor certifying that consumption of the snacks under supervision would make them feel better.

The truly troubling aspect of rampant snacking is how it carries over from adolescence to adulthood.

"Once a snacker, always a snacker," say the experts. "Teenagers will try anything once. Chalupas. Dr. Pepper. Slim Jims. And once they get hooked, it's difficult to get them to break the habit as they become adults. Especially during football games."

I hesitate to bring this up, but a lot of giant snack-food companies are guilty of aiming their advertising directly at children. Commercials, movies, tie-ins with famous music stars. Kids probably wouldn't even try Mountain Dew, except for those dudes in the ads.

Perhaps we can interest the Trial Lawyers Association in bringing a class-action lawsuit against snackmakers nationwide to get them to ....

Oh, wait.

The reason the cops were cracking down in Washington, D.C., on serial snackers wasn't because that stuff is, allegedly, unhealthy.

It was because snacks are messy.

"We were tired of people eating and drinking on the train, spilling things and leaving partially eaten food and containers," said Ray Feldmann, spokesman for the Metro system.

OK, OK. I apologize for overreacting to this whole thing. I see now why they had to arrest a 12-year-old girl, handcuff her and take her to jail for eating french fries. It was possession of snacks with intent to litter.

Apparently, they have plenty of cops in Washington, D.C., our nation's capital, with time on their hands. Now, all they need is a government program that will put 100,000 janitors on the streets.

(Barry Smith is managing editor of the Nevada Appeal.)