For the Record: You say you want resolution, well you know…
That’s a given.
And, well, I’m fired up. I’ve got a treadmill and a dozen cans of tuna fish, so I’m off like a herd of turtles.
Now comes the hard part: Using the treadmill, which is boring, and eating tuna fish, which I don’t particularly like.
There are other resolutions I’ve made for the year, ones that I know will be easier than shedding those few extra pounds.
I resolve to:
n Not snicker every time the Town of Genoa comes up in conversation.
n Give up golf and take up Frisbee golf.
n Adopt a “kill ’em with kindness” approach to those who like to start out conversations with insults.
n As a right-hander, use my left hand more in performing menial tasks such as drinking coffee, answering the phone and eating popcorn.
n Convince my left-leaning friends that while they may disagree with him, Rush Limbaugh is still pretty damn funny.
n Convince myself that Fox News Channel is not a ultra right-wing network and that Bill O’Reilly isn’t a racist woman-hater and an affront to my fellow hard-working Irish Americans.
n Put a piece of black pipe tape over the bottom of the television screen whenever I watch CNN or Fox News. I can’t stand the rolling news that started after Sept. 11.
n Throw away the ball point pens that don’t have any ink left in them. (I have a jar at home full of pens and none of them have ink, yet I always grab for the jar whenever I need a pen.)
n Not put the carton of orange juice back in the fridge with only a splash left in the bottom.
n Buy my own bags of onion and garlic so I don’t have to hear my roommates say “hey, Munson, what happened to all the onions and garlic?”
n Stop leaving the toilet seat up simply because I think it’s funny to leave it up.
n Learn to enjoy the music of Incubus.
n Give the local Lions Club a generous donation after short-changing them about a half-dozen different occasions when I needed breath mints but only had a couple of dimes in my pocket.
n Write a letter to John Walker telling him that if I ever see his Taliban-loving you-know-what, I’m gonna punch him in the nose and kick him in the you-know-where.
n And, finally, taking my patriotism to the next level, I vow to eat Spam at least once this year.
n Staff writer Jeff Munson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org