More than two choices for president

I got a note in the mail this week. One page, handwritten: "My campaign for the office of president of the United States of America has been threatened by potential imprisonment or hospitalization (or both)! Maybe next year."

It wasn't from George Bush or John Kerry or even Ralph Nader. It's from a Reno man who, I'm sorry to admit, I didn't even realize was running for president. So that's one candidate we don't have to worry about. (Although perhaps someone should. I hate to tell him, but there won't be a presidential election next year.)

Anyway, it's usually about this time in the campaign season that some people start grousing about the Republican candidate and the Democratic candidate, no matter who they are, and saying they wish they had an alternative. And they don't mean Lyndon LaRouche.

Surely, they say, there's somebody out there who will truly inspire me. Who is cut from a different cloth. Who has some fresh ideas. Give me some choices, they say.

Well, ask no more.

A quick check with Project Vote Smart (www.vote-smart.org) will show you there are roughly 143 candidates for president of the United States - and that's not even counting the guy in the stupid Miller beer commercials or the Budweiser horse.

But in a conspiracy of the mainstream media - that would be me, I guess - you've never heard of most of them. Their message isn't getting out to the American public, at least a few of whom are searching desperately for a kernel of truth. Well, a kernel of something.

So here's a glance at a few of the candidates, selected entirely by whim because I thought their names sounded interesting. And what better way to sort through candidates?

-- HRM Caesar St Augustine De Buonaparte. Something tells me this may not be the real name of the 43-year-old Malibu, Calif., resident who has allegedly been nominated by "The Good Party."

According to Project Vote Smart, De Buonaparte has made no public speeches and, so far, has won no endorsements. That in itself may make him a viable candidate.

-- Jackalope Jack Jackson, who lists his profession as artist, cowboy, musician, natural philosopher and stuntman, apparently has dropped out of the 2004 race. That's unfortunate for jackalope fans.

-- Temperance Alesha Lance-Council. The Los Angeles resident, who lists her professional experience as "social activist" and "political activist," is running on the Anti-Hypocrisy Party platform. It sounds serious, even lists an address and has positions on all kinds of national issues. Why haven't we been informed there is an Anti-Hypocrisy Party?

n Jacques Yves "Chief Jack" Boulerice. Chief Jack is a Native American Party candidate, and his interests are radio, paleontology, archaeology, travel, music and photography. The Laguna Woods, Calif., resident is an auto parts dealership department manager, which I think is an excellent qualification for running the country.

"I intend to be the first Native American president of this country, and I plan to do it without spending all of your money doing so, like Bush and Kerry are doing," says Chief Jack.

-- James Louis "Watchman" Dezort. The Portland, Ore., resident looks like the carpenter he lists as his occupation from 1972-1985 and not much like the prophet he lists as his occupation from 1996-present. He's a Virgo and, not surprisingly, his favorite book is the Bible. He has no campaign appearances scheduled.

-- Reality. There is no biographical information, no campaign speeches, no photo and no endorsements for Reality. Something to ponder for Jackalope Jack Johnson, the natural philosopher.

-- Ray "Buttercup" Rollinson. Buttercup is an 83-year-old widower running as a Democrat from Yonkers , N.Y. His top priority as president: "I will nuke North Korean cities before they nuke American cities, using our Polaris and Trident submarine Pacific Ocean forces, and withdraw our troops from South Korea." He's a man with a plan. Unfortunately, it calls for nuclear war. I'm curious how he got his nickname.

-- "Ole" Savior. Another Democrat, Mr. Savior is a resident of Minneapolis where he works as an artist, writer, astrologer, mythologist and poet. One of his favorite movies is "Dr. Strangelove." His top priority as president: "All WMD, chemical, nuclear weapons, landmines to zero."

I'm wondering, of course, if Ole and Buttercup ever considered running as a ticket. They would balance each other nicely.

The problem with unknown candidates is that we won't find them on the ballot in Nevada. We can write in their names, but people say that's like throwing away your vote.

Find a candidate with whom you agree on most of the issues. If you want a candidate with whom you agree on every issue, well, I guess you'll have to run for president yourself.

Barry Smith is editor of the Nevada Appeal. Contact him at 881-1221 or editor@nevadaappeal.com.